旅する女のラプソディー

20代をニューヨークで生き、離婚して帰国、環境問題に目覚めたシングルマザーの子連れアメリカ留学。40歳で大学卒業、45歳で大学院卒業、55歳で妊娠、出産。科学を愛し、旅をつづける女の半生、高齢出産やナサ(NASA)での仕事、アメリカ暮らしのあれこれなど、など

My Journey, Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP)

My journey

 

It was my very first time to see my therapist in person. She is tall, taller than anyone I know.

 

The room was with dim lights. Cactus in one corner and another plant in the other corner. Nice and cozy room with a reclining chair and a couch. A small table and shelf with bunch of blankets.

 

I lay in a nice couch with blanket on top of me, a heavy blanket.

Doctor was monitoring my blood pressure and waiting it go down a bit more to be safe.

Maybe after 5 min. my blood pressure was good level and he started to prepare the medicine.

The doctor gave me subcutaneous injection of Ketamine. It hurt a second.

My therapist said I’m sorry. Subcutaneous injection is a bit painful.

Doctor told me that you may have a small bruise.

 

My therapist told me to put the mask on.

The mask is well made and comfortable. I was in the total darkness. No light anymore.

I continued deep breathing.

I had no idea but tears came out.

 

I didn’t know how long passed. There were no time anymore.

I asked (god or spirit) I want to see universe, I want to see deep space.

I want to see my spirit.

I want to see my spirit.

 

I didn’t know how long passed.

I was in the vastness. Dark vastness.

I did not have body anymore

 

ただ ただ 暗い広がりがあるだけ

真っ暗な広がり

 

Dark Vastness

And all of a sudden I realized I’m the universe I’m the deep space

I cried with joy

I’m the universe, I’m this dark vastness.

There were no stars no galaxies, just dark vastness.

 

I’m the space, I’m the universe.

I was just repeating these like mantra

 

Then I realized I’m the universe and I’m the spirit.

There is no death, only vastness and oneness

Oneness

I’m soul.

Soul never dies.

 

And I realized I’m okay

I’m okay I don’t need to change anything

I’m okay as I am. As I am.

 

ありのままの自分でいい

私が宇宙であり

精霊であり

魂だから

ありのままの自分でいい

 

As I am

I’m okay as I am.